A million little pieces...

My heart feels like someone has taken a hammer to it. This morning, while we were waiting to be handed our booties and taken to our room, a tiny little girl, maybe 2 1/2 years old walked by us with a caretaker. She had really short hair and just kind of a blank expression on her face. First she walked by the Italian couple waiting with us (they are the only other family adopting from this orphanage right now), and then as she walked by me I smiled at her, held out my hand and waved. Immediately, she stopped and a huge smile lit up her face. She waved back at me and then she reached that tiny little hand and grabbed mine. Ah, for a moment we just stared into each others eyes. I immediately felt my heart break into a million little pieces. I instinctively wanted to scoop her into my arms and whisper mama, mama to her. We held hands for only a brief moment and the caretaker tugged her back and away they went down the hall. I just have not been able to get this little angel out of my mind since. I wonder what her story is, how she came to this place. She was so small for her age and just itching for someone to take notice of her. How I have come to dread visiting this orphanage. I know that is absolutely awful to say because that is where I get to visit with my babies everyday, but I just absolutely hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate that it has to exist. I know in my heart that these children are fed and clothed here and that most of the workers seem nice, but I just can't explain the look on these kids faces. They look like orphans. If you put them next to a child that has known the love of a parent, you would be able to spot them in a second. Yes their basic needs have been met, but the very most essential, love, they know nothing of. It absolutely rips me apart inside. I knew that this part would be hard for me. I just cannot wait until Thursday!

Our visit with the kids this morning was much better than yesterday afternoon. Tatya seemed excited to see us and she spent most of the visit with papa. She just absolutely adores him. She did give me a big hug at the beginning and she will blow me kisses, so I guess we are making some good progress there. I know we will see a huge change in her once we get her out of here. She definitely needs some guidelines because she is VERY strong willed (hmmm, now who does that remind me of?!?) Ana did really well today too. She loves playing with the stacking cups and when I walk her around she will kick the ball. I am constantly amazed at her desire to learn and her attention span. She did seem really tired at the end of our meeting today but I had her up and walking quite a bit which is obviously not something they do with her. Eli is really starting to feel comfortable with us now. He definitely knows his mama! He is as lazy as ever and just wants to be held and loved on. He loves feeling different textures on his face and has the best belly laugh! Ana and Tatya also love feeling different textures on their faces, so I would imagine this isn't something they are used to. Sad :( We haven't heard back anymore about the events of yesterday or when we will be able to take Gianna in to visit with the kids. I hope soon because it has been really hard for me to leave her during our visits. She does fine with it, but I am not used to being away from my baby that much!